It was a desperately hard night. Tantrums, tears, chaos, pain, frustration and endless noise all coming from one child. I was praying for patience, restraint, mercy and forgiveness all at the same time, and all evening long. I didn't feel very good about my parenting and I was pretty sure the neighbors were wishing I'd shut the windows, or shut my mouth. I really was trying- that's the sad part. Really, truly. We had a home cooked dinner, a run to the park for soccer, treats, showers, scriptures and prayer. Dad is out of town- we were on our own tonight.
After the lights were out, and the noise was quieted, I turned to the computer and did hours of research. There has to be a better way, a better solution. New meds? Alternative Therapy? Private School? No Meds? Diets? I've read it all before, but I read it all again. Praying, pondering and hoping that something would just jump off the screen and scream - "Here is the answer!" ..... Nothing jumped.
Looking at the clock, I hurried into bed, knowing that my new morning routine affords me one less hour of sleep every morning in a grand effort to get one. single. child. ready for school before any one else wakes up.
But I couldn't sleep. In fact my thoughts and prayers became more desperate than earlier. My mind swirled. I hate that feeling. It feels so ungrounded and dangerous. I forced my mind to rest on one thought. Joy. The joy that I feel is eluding me. I want to feel joy. I want to feel joy in my role as a mother. I pled in my prayers- and my mind instantly went back to my days of infertility. Those were painful days. All I wanted was a baby to hold in my arms.
I was given 4.
I almost spoke out loud - "I need to hold my baby." I went to the baby's crib and with gratitude that he's a sound sleeper, I picked him up and then sat with him in the rocking chair. He slept peacefully in my arms, and my whole body calmed down. He's a beautiful boy, and I just looked at him.
I have no answers to my problem, but after I put the baby back in his crib, I went to the beds of my easiest child and my hardest child and gave them both a long hug. My heart was softened towards the one by the warm touch and peace of the other.
Holding my baby was an answer to my prayer. My prayer from long ago and my prayer from tonight. Babies are magic, aren't they?
I am still praying for an answer to our special needs problems. I have a feeling it will be long in coming, but I do have hope. And, at least for now, when my mind starts to swirl, and desperation creeps in, I need to remember the magical little baby, who sleeps so soundly, who is mine, all mine. I need to remember to go in an rock him and let the little bit of heaven that is still in him calm my soul. It won't be long till he's all grown up. And there won't be anymore babies for us, so I will enjoy it while I can!
2 comments:
I loved this. I can picture it because I have done the same thing. After we adopted Sofia, I would do the same thing. I love to just hold her and smell her. It's such a blessing.
Amanda, this post made me cry! You have so much wisdom as a mother. I have also learned that we aren't always given new answers to challenges. Sometimes we just need to learn to appreciate what we have and keep trudging through the day to day doing the best we can. I admire how you handle dealing with your special needs little one. She is so lucky to have you and Gordon! Keep up the good work. Let me know the next time you'll be in Utah because we're out there often! -Wendy
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